If you’re new to working from home as a result of the Covid-19 pandemic, we have some answers.
I’m having a hard time adapting to working from home.
You still have a job? Did you know the entire service industry is unemployed and poised to topple the economy? Did you know Broadway went dark? Did you know that basically every lower-income job everyone had before they became sell-out office drones is now NOT a job? And you still have a job? You should really consider shutting the fuck up. And donate some of that corporate crime money to waiters, bartenders, performers, musicians, book sellers, retail workers, motherfucking DOG WALKERS, etc. Google it. You have the time.
I really miss being able to interact with my coworkers.
Zoom, Slack, Hangouts, Jetson’s Phone — are you for real? There has never been a time in the history of mankind when it was so EASY to hang out with people without actually being there. Pick up the phone like a Boomer, try talking. This is the dumbest, most non-complaint complaint in the history of whiners.
Can I just roll out of bed and stay in my pajamas all day?
Who gives a fuck? There’s a PANDEMIC happening. Are you even listening to yourself? With all the time you have alone, you might consider tuning in to your inner self. Like, why do you think your Champagne Problems are real problems? How did you become such a narcissist? Shame is not just a Steve McQueen movie — it’s how you should feel.
Why is everyone on my Zoom call holding a freaking baby?
Because school is canceled and so is most childcare. Welcome to the world of everyone who doesn’t make over six figures — they juggle family with working life. You should really consider meeting some working class people and hearing about what it’s really like in 99% of this third-world county. Maybe you’d stop bitching about having to tip 20%.
Corollary: Why are the Millennials on my Zoom call always sitting on their couches?
No one knows why Millennials can’t work at desks. Or why they have to move their laptops every 20 minutes. Or why they have to sit next to someone in order to do any work. Someone should ask the people who invented Netflix, ADD, and helicopter parenting. Seriously, if you can’t find the answer to your problem, the problem is YOU. That’s called Occam’s Razor.
But seriously, my husband/wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/partner/spouse/
sidekick/split personality/etc. is getting on my last nerve.
Wait, you actually have someone to share this pandemic with? Do you know that every single person in America right now has a thumb hovered over Tinder, thinking, “I know I shouldn’t, but…”? Suck it up. So many people are dying, and you have a living, breathing, person to help you freak out about it. Liquor stores are still open; go get in the mood.
Why do I feel so lonely?
Honestly, you were lonely before. If this were the Influenza Epidemic of 1918 you could talk about isolation, but there’s so much “social media” and so many Zoom conferences that you should really try harder and shut the fuck up. Maybe if you had tried harder before the pandemic, you wouldn’t be alone right now. Besides — you’ve had over a decade to get used to virtual societal connections, so you should be a pro. Get off that Incel group chat and get a fucking dog. An old, broken-down dog.
My cat won’t stop sitting on my keyboard/my dog won’t stop whining/
my pet mouse is plotting to take over the world.
Those are just good problems to have and everyone who doesn’t or can’t have a cat or a dog hates you right now. Your idea of a complaint is the world’s idea of a brag. You suck more than the Virus.
I love that I can take a break and watch TV, masturbate, make a pizza from scratch, whatever. My boss is like, so checked out.
You, we like.