Handwashing Songs for Adults

Photo by Rizal Hilman on Unsplash

“Happy Birthday” and “ABCD” have gotten despairingly old. Take your freedom back and sing something bold and defining.

Metallica — “Creeping Death”

So let it be written
So let it be done
I’m sent here by the chosen one

Die by my hand
I creep across the land
Killing first-born man

(Repeat chorus until victorious.)

Dead Kennedys — “California Über Alles”

Zen fascists will control you
Hundred percent natural
You will jog for the master race
And always wear the happy face

California Über Alles
California Über Alles
Über Alles California
Über Alles California

(Repeat chorus until calm.)

Cutting Crew (I Just) Died in Your Arms Tonight

Oh I, I just died in your arms tonight
It must have been something you said
I just died in your arms tonight

(Repeat until you stop crying.)

Ring Around the Rosy

Ring-a-ring-a-rosies
A pocket full of posies
Ashes, ashes

We all fall down

(Repeat until you stop thinking about Wisconsin.)

Jonas Brothers — “Only Human”

We gon’ dance in my living room, slave to the way you move
Hurts when I’m leaving you (ayy)
Just dance in the living room, love with an attitude
Drunk to an 80s groove (ayy)
We gon’ dance in my living room, slave to the way you move
Hurts when I’m leaving you (ayy)
Dance in the living room, love with an attitude
Drunk

(Repeat until no longer embarrassed about dancing in the living room on Zoom.)

The Velvet Underground — “I Can’t Stand It”

I live with thirteen dead cats
A purple dog that wears spats
They’re living out in the hall
And I can’t stand it anymore

I can’t stand it anymore, more
I can’t stand it anymore
I can’t stand it anymore, more

(Repeat chorus until you can’t stand it anymore.)

The Knack — Let Me Out

Let me out come and get me out
’cause I’ve been stuck in for too long
Let me out out come get me out baby
maybe be where I belong

(Repeat until hysterical.)

Louis Jordan — “Open the Door Richard”

Open the door, Richard
Open the door and let me in
Open the door, Richard
Richard, why don’t you open that door

(Repeat until spouse/roommate/children break down the bathroom door.)

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